Meet Mary Breda
From novice with Mother Teresa to mother of many...
(The Breda family in 2008. Photo courtesy of Mary Breda. Mary Breda spent six years in the novitiate of the Missionaries of Charity. She married Massimo Breda in 1991. In 1997, her daughter Monica died from an inoperable brain tumor at the age of three. The Bredas homeschool their children and live in San Diego. This interview took place in 2008.)
Kristen: Were you raised Catholic?
Mary: Yes, I’m from a cradle Catholic family, and one of nine children!
Kristen: Wow! What number are you?
Mary: I was the fifth child and never really thought about a vocation or anything like that. Actually, in college, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I had heard of Mother Teresa. I thought maybe I should take a break from school. I went with the idea that I would go help the poor and save the world. (laughs)
Once I got there, of course, I was the one who was helped. I had wanted to go to a third world country and I went to Harlem. This was in 1984 – when crack cocaine turned Harlem into a third world country. It was really bad and yet it was wonderful, just a wonderful time. I met Mother Teresa when I was volunteering. I learned so much about my faith. When I got home, I said to myself, “Ok – I’ve done my time.” But it just kept eating at me and I went back and worked in San Francisco for another summer. The sisters kept saying, “You’ll be back.”
Really, I was the most unlikely person to have a vocation. I did what they call a come-n-see, where you live in the community. You’re with them, in community, for two weeks in the Bronx. Mother Teresa was there in the house for the whole two weeks for an ordination. It was wonderful to be with her in community.
Kristen: So you did join the order?
Mary: Yes, just a few months later. I realized I wouldn’t have peace until I did God’s will. During my aspirancy in the Bronx, I developed back problems, and I postponed vows twice while I was there. Usually it takes four years to finish the novitiate, but I kept postponing it because of the back problems.
Kristen: Did you ask to leave, or did they, sort of, suggest it?
Mary: I didn’t want to just leave, even though my back problems troubled me. I felt God had called me – I wanted to be kicked out almost. I wrote a letter to Mother Teresa asking for permission to take vows, trusting her to be the instrument of God’s will for me. She wrote back, “This life is very difficult on backs and everything else.” And so I went home in 1990.
Kristen: That had to be difficult.
Mary: Oh, yes. It was devastating. When I came home, I felt like a martian after living that way, and yet, I had an incredible peace – God had called me only for a time.
My dad had developed brain cancer and he was bedridden when I came home. So, my mom needed the help. It was a real blessing to be there for him when he was dying.
My confessor, Fr. Brian Kolodjiechuk, talked me into going back up to San Francisco when my group sisters made their vows. At the same time, there was a volunteer there whom I had met in New York. He had come to the U.S. to be a Missionary of Charity father, and it didn’t work out. My confessor said, “Hey, do you know Massimo?”
Kristen: (laughs) Well, that was an interesting coincidence!
Mary: Yes, it was! I went home, and prayed, “OK, Lord, if I can’t have you for a spouse, send me your best man!” Meanwhile, Massimo was in adoration, praying to the Lord, “Well, Lord if you don’t want me to be a priest and she is not a nun anymore… maybe this is your will.” He wrote a letter to me while he was at adoration.
Kristen: Were you surprised?
Mary: The minute I read the letter and a few phone calls later, it was so clear that this was God’s plan for both of us. Both of us are stubborn and bone-headed so He sent us to religious life to prepare us for married life.
Kristen: Was married life what you expected?
Mary: Yeah – although, I think I was a perfectionist about every little thing in the beginning. I used to see people in the grocery store with the kid who had one sock on and one shoe on and a dirty t-shirt and judge. But then, the other day I looked down at the child I was pushing in the cart and here I am!
Kristen: I guess, though, that your experience with your daughter who died might have accelerated the process a bit.
Mary: Yes. It was all so sudden. I noticed my daughter had a slight listing, to one side. When they ran a CAT scan at Children’s Hospital here, they said, “She has a tumor.” The biopsy revealed a rare tumor, right on her brain stem.
There was no treatment possible. The doctors said, “Take her home; you probably have a month.” Just like that. She was in the hospital maybe three days.
It’s a strange feeling because you are praying like crazy for miracles to the very end and yet you have to prepare yourself for what is really happening. She was confirmed and we had Mass here often. It was the most difficult time in my life and yet the most grace-filled. We could feel the prayers of people all over the world.
Kristen: How old was she at the time?
Mary: Not yet three. When I look back, I see what a wise little soul she was, establishing her own little relationship with our Lord. We hadn’t talked to her about death; how do you tell a two year old about it?! But she said, “if I die, I’ll go see Jesus and all the angels and all the saints. But we are going to pray to all the saints that I get better.” I didn’t have to say it; she just knew.
Kristen: That’s amazing…
Mary: As hard as it was, she had a beautiful death. I learned that my children, all children… they aren’t yours. We have to give them back to our Lord…that’s our job. Our ultimate job is to help them get into heaven. She guaranteed that I have that for her – that brings me great joy.
Kristen: It must be hard when people ask you how many children you have.
Mary: It is! I always hesitate, but my children get upset if I don’t explain the longer story. Someone told me at the time that my next children would mourn the loss of her. And I thought, “How could that be?” But my next son kept talking about her when he was five or six, saying, “I wish I had been here.” I went through Monica’s photo album with him, and we got to the end where she was sick, and he was sobbing.
I told him, “That’s the way we felt when we missed her back then. And we prayed hard for another child, one with the beautiful smile of his sister that we missed so much, and here we got you!” And each one after her, well, they each have joined us in missing her.
Kristen: You’ve added quite a few!
Mary: And it changes. Once the kids get to a certain age, they have the activities and the little ones just come with you. You don’t get down and play endlessly with them. And yet, the nice thing is that the older ones help, and they play with them.
Kristen: How do you keep your balance?
Mary: In the early years of my marriage, we used to go every single day to Mass and we would sit and pray the rosary. When I would think about what it would be like raising my family, I never thought we would stop doing those things.
Reality is sadly not quite that perfect. I really can’t go to Mass daily. I try to make it a few days a week. If it is going to keep us from homeschooling and housework, then sometimes you have to let go. Maybe I am justifying my sloth. I don’t know. My priest told me it is enough to have that desire in your heart, to give it to Jesus. God gives certain graces for certain times –I trust Him to help me.
PS - Want to see Mary Breda’s favorite quotation?