Why a pilgrim left the monastery

An Interview with Alexandra (Burghardt) Burris

Editor’s Note: This interview was conducted in 2006. Ms. Burris now lives in Louisiana, where she teaches 8th grade English, and is married with two teen sons.

Q. Why do you call yourself a pilgrim?

A.  I first knew I was a pilgrim at 18. I was volunteering during spring break at a hospice for AIDS victims with the Missionaries of Charity in (Washington) D.C. After anointing them with holy water, I was seized with irrational fears (fairly common for me) that I had gotten AIDS and was going to die. In prayer, the first thought that came to me was, "The earth is not my home." I laid in my bunk that night, repeating it over and over.

Q. How did being a pilgrim relate to becoming a religious sister? 

A. In Russian Orthodox spirituality, a pilgrim is an educated person who leaves everything and lives a simple life, praying along the road. That*s what I felt I was doing by leaving college and joining the sisters (Franciscan Sisters TOR of the Penance of the Sorrowful Mother in Steubenville, OH).

Q.  Did you have a strong pull toward religious life as a child?

My first conscious memories of being close to God were of being with Sr. Mary Grace (a family friend) and the sisters.  Since my mother was recovering from brain surgery at the time, I even remember staying overnight with them sometimes.

Q. Tell us a bit about your mother's illness. 

A. Mom had neurofibromatosis, in which tumors keep forming on the nervous system. She had two brain surgeries, the second during the winter before I entered the community in 1996. She died on May 1, 2004, feast of St. Joseph the Worker.

Q. When did you leave the monastery?

A. Actually, I took a leave of absence in 2002 for three months to help at home. But I was still in my habit, in my vows and under obedience.

When I left this past March, I really left. I was dispensed from my vows, and I had to take off my habit before I left.

Q. Once your mother died, what happened to make it clear that you needed to leave?

A. Obviously, it wasn't evident at the time of my entry the extent of the healing I needed to go through, or I would not have been able to enter. After my mom died, I continued to struggle with depression and it became clear that something much deeper was going on.

Q. At the risk of generalizing, many nuns who left their orders decades ago seemed to be in need of healing, too. Is it a fair comparison?

A. Religious formation has developed considerably in recent years. I think I received excellent formation. The asceticism of consecrated life is a supernatural gift-- it bears witness to the resurrection. When God is calling a person to that vocation, He will give the grace required to do it. So, when the demands of consecrated life start destroying someone from the inside out, that is where discernment comes in. Today, the question is more likely to be asked, "Is this person able to do this?" And the humbling thing for me is that I am not.

Q. What is your plan for the future?

A. Practically speaking, I'm living with family and going to school. God is doing the healing, little by little. I walk holding hands with him and learning to love the fact of being alive.

Q.  Are you still a pilgrim?

A. Yes! But it's very different now. I used to think a good pilgrimage would be linear, from point a to point b to point c, from childhood to adolescence to entering the monastery to final vows. I could only imagine a pilgrimage that is through time, a straight line to the Father. But, I can't rely on those things because they are only externals.  Now, it's like this big zig zag, and the pilgrimage is into the heart of Christ, all the way to the Father. Heaven is my home, and I'm journeying there.

Alexandra's Favorite Quote:

"Contemplation of Mary helps us to understand that the earth is not our definitive homeland and that, if we live constantly oriented to eternal goods, one day we will share in her same glory.

For this reason, despite the many daily difficulties, we must not lose serenity or peace. The luminous sign of the Assumption to heaven shines, even more when it seems that sad shadows of grief and violence loom over the horizon.

We are sure that, from on high, Mary follows our steps with gentle trepidation, gives us serenity in the hour of darkness and storm, gives us security with her maternal hand. Supported by this conviction, we continue with confidence on our way of Christian commitment where providence leads us."

-- Pope Benedict XVI, Angelus Address, Feast of the Assumption 2006